I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
