I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
