i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
