im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Randomize