good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
