I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Randomize
