I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
