I could make wine with my vomit
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
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