i think my tv is drunk
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Randomize
