yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
