I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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