I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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