You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
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