Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Randomize
