are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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