My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Randomize
