I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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