Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
