Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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