You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
