You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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