he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Randomize
