I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
