I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
