I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I just want nice things and good sex
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
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