He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
