i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
