Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Ketchup is God's man juice
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
