Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
