Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Randomize
