when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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