I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
