just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
