dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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