there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
