I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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