It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
