I saw his package. It spoke to me.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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