im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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