I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
