goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
