Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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