The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
soo... how was my night?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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