Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
