my mouth tastes like poor choices
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
where does the pee come out of this thing
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I just want nice things and good sex
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
