I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
I did not marry a roomba.
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