Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
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i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
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Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
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