I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize