I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
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The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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