I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
