I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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