I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Randomize
